NEVER . . . order take-out from a restaurant called "Heimlich's"

                                                            NEVER . . . buy any exercise equipment endorsed by Stephen Hawkin

                                                            NEVER . . . date a woman who has the first dollar they ever made taped above their bed

                                                            NEVER . . . rub meat on your genitals, then run naked through a "petting zoo"

                                                            NEVER . . . donate "real" money to a mime

                                                            NEVER . . . buy aluminum siding from a man named Rusty

                                                            NEVER . . . shake hands with a proctologist

                                                            NEVER . . . go to a Film Festival whose honored guest is Rob Schneider

                                                            NEVER . . . save Ashley Simpson if she is drowning

                                                            NEVER . . . walk through Detroit at night wearing a "Clay Aiken" t-shirt

                                                            NEVER . . . play soccer with a bowling ball

                                                            NEVER . . . breast-feed a canary

                                                            NEVER . . . eat at a restaurant that has an "insurance vending machine" in front of it

                                                            NEVER . . . except Halloween candy from someone who works for Ex-Lax

                                                            NEVER . . . put a blank check in a church donation basket

                                                            NEVER . . . invest in a mutual fund that's main holding is lottery tickets

                                                            NEVER . . . take it literally when you read a hospital sign that says "Wet Floor"

                                                            NEVER . . . give yourself a "Pop Rocks" enema

                                                            NEVER . . . consider getting acupuncture treatments for hemophilia

                                                            NEVER . . . potty train your child by rubbing his nose in the poopoo, then tossing him in the back yard

                                                            NEVER . . . use a boa constrictor as a belt

                                                            NEVER . . . trust an attorney who advertises on automobile air-bags