#1             The Donkey Raffle 

A young hillbilly named Kenny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  The following day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."  Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me back my money.

The farmer said, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I spent it.  Kenny said, "OK.  Just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
Kenny answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny responded "Sure I can.  I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny answered, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer asked, "Did anyone complain?"
Kenny said, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

#2    The Man With No Arms Or Legs  

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

#4        Donald Rumsfeld Briefs Bush   

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. 

He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH, NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

Stunned at his display of emotion, his staff nervously watches as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, Bush looks up with tears in his eyes and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

#5             Brian Gets Drunk      

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing
there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

#6              The Wrestler   

A Russian and a redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.  Before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.  He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.  Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!  If he does, you're finished."

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.  A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.  He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.  His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.  When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold?  No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.  I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

“So,” the trainer exclaimed, "that's what finished him off!"

"Not really.  You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."